Written by Allegra Johnson, Mindful Education in Schools Assistant Director + CYT 200 + CYT 95
“Using Nonviolent Communication in this way empowers you to take responsibility for your own well-being and communicate more effectively with others. As a Type A person, I found this method particularly helpful in structuring my thoughts and communication.” ~ Allegra Johnson
*This is the third post in a 5-part series:
Post 1 - What is Nonviolent Communication?
Nonviolent communication (NVC) is a powerful tool that can be used in everyday interactions, especially when addressing conflicts. It's a way of communicating with yourself and others that helps navigate difficult situations. As I explained in my first post, NVC encourages us to influence others not through coercion or manipulation but by revealing our feelings and needs honestly and making clear, respectful requests.
This approach fosters genuine connections, where contributions are made out of natural giving rather than fear, guilt, or obligation. When something frustrates you, there's often a spectrum of responses. On one end, you might repress your frustration, letting it build until it eventually explodes. On the other end, you might immediately express your frustration, perhaps a bit harshly. But if you want to address a concern using NVC, it's important to choose an approach that allows both you and the other person to engage meaningfully.
Here’s how you might approach a situation: instead of confronting someone immediately with a concern, consider asking them if they’d be willing to have a conversation at a specific time. For example, you could say, “Something has been on my mind about how a certain issue was handled. Would you be open to discussing it tomorrow?” This way, you give the other person the space to prepare, ensuring that they don't feel ambushed. Let’s discuss a little more about what NVC looks like in action.
Four Components of Nonviolent Communication
Here are the four components of NVC:
Observation: Start by objectively describing what happened without adding judgment or interpretation. For example, instead of saying, “You’re not helping around the house,” simply state, “The laundry wasn’t done.” This step is crucial because it helps you detach from your assumptions and view the situation more clearly. By focusing on what actually happened, you might realize that your initial interpretation was influenced by your emotions.
Feelings: Next, share your feelings about the situation. Instead of blaming the other person, express how their actions made you feel. For example, you might say, “When the laundry wasn’t done, I felt overwhelmed.” Feelings are personal and can’t be argued, making it easier for the other person to empathize with you.
Needs: After sharing your feelings, identify the unmet need behind them. Needs are universal, and acknowledging them can foster a deeper connection. For instance, you could say, “I feel overwhelmed because my need for support in household chores isn’t being met.” This step also applies to positive feelings. For example, “I feel appreciated because my need for recognition was met when you complimented my work.”
Request: Finally, make a clear, specific request that can help address your unmet need. For example, “Could you help with the laundry tonight?” It’s important that this request isn’t a demand or an ultimatum, but rather an invitation to work together. This approach encourages cooperation and allows both parties to move forward positively.
Remember, NVC starts with yourself. You can even apply these four steps internally. For example, you might say to yourself, “I’ve noticed I’ve been going to bed later and later. I feel exhausted because my need for rest isn’t being met. I’m going to make sure I go to bed at my planned time tonight.”
Using NVC in this way empowers you to take responsibility for your own well-being and communicate more effectively with others. Let me share a quick story about my experience with NVC. As a Type A person, I found this method particularly helpful in structuring my thoughts and communication.
A Personal Story
In my early twenties, I moved into an intentional community with six strangers. We all came from different backgrounds and agreed to share a living space, a home, and even our finances. We were introduced to nonviolent communication, a concept I was somewhat familiar with. However, I quickly learned that as you get to know people better, communicating in this way becomes more challenging, not easier. Initially, everything seemed great. The first week, we were excited and agreed on things like having a chore wheel. But by the second month, we started clashing over small issues, like who wasn’t washing the community towels or doing their dishes.
We ended up using nonviolent communication often in our weekly business meetings to address these grievances. Through these discussions, we discovered that most of us felt unappreciated and remarkably that we were each pulling more weight than the others. We learned that perspectives about chores were influencing feelings about communal contributions. We realized that what each of us really wanted was to be acknowledged for the efforts we were putting in, and that we weren’t really that frustrated about missed chores.
In the end, we learned through nonviolent communication that others were contributing in their own ways, even if it wasn’t always visible. While it might seem trivial to argue over laundry, it highlighted the importance of connection. The experience was about entering a space where we could share our feelings honestly, be open to others’ perspectives, and acknowledge that no one had to be right or wrong. Both sides of the story could be equally valid.
Looking Ahead
In the final post in this Nonviolent Communication series, I’ll be talking about consensus building. In the meantime, I highly encourage you to visit the Center for Nonviolent Communication’s website which is full of amazing resources.
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If you’re interested in bringing this concept into practice within your workplace, our Wellness in the Workplace department has a variety of offerings, such as:
Keynotes and Lunch and Learns
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Workplace Trainings
Peace,
Allegra
P.S. This blog post was inspired by my recent Masterclass on the topic. Check out our upcoming Masterclasses here.
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